Break The Pattern

HOW I BROKE THE PATTERN (Vulnerable post)

I’m sobbing on the grass outside a friend’s house.

‘Well, that escalated quickly!’ I thought.

15 minutes before I’d been sitting in a small group when I feel my vibe start to drop. Something sinking in me. I feel myself shutting down. My thoughts become negative & resentful.

I go outside hoping that a few minutes with my feet on the grass would be enough to recenter.

Instead the thoughts & emotions intensify.

I’m acutely aware that the feelings are disproportionate to the situation, which is a strong indicator that it’s coming from an unhealed childhood experience.

Instead of losing myself to self-judgement and shame, I continue to be loving & accepting with what’s present.

Until I’m with a very young version of me who’s angry & jealous that her brothers are getting all the attention. I felt ignored, left out & unloved.

I felt it as a child & now it’s resurfacing in 2020: an opportunity to heal it once and for all.

I calm myself down enough to make the decision to leave & go home. I say goodnight, although it’s clear that I’m not okay. I excuse this by saying how exhausted I am.

Once I reach my scooter, I start sobbing. I desperately want someone to come check if I’m okay. Just as I did as a child. But they all think I’ve left.

My plan is to drive home & take care of myself. But it feels like an old habit. That of a wounded animal who wants to hide its pain.

I ask myself, ‘What do you really want?’. I want a hug. I want acknowledgement. I want to be reminded that I’m lovable.

That means going back inside. The idea makes me nauseous. To be seen in this fragile state. The stories they may project. The possibility of their judgement. Maybe even rejection.

I never do things like that. Not in front of groups. Especially with people I don’t know so well.

My intuitive voice yells: Break the pattern!

It feels terrifying. Overwhelming.

Sometimes I ask myself: if this scene was in a movie, what would I want the main character to do?

I’d want her to walk back in, be vulnerable & have people support her.

And while the soundtrack is lacking (except for my beating heart), I return to the group - extra surprised by my tears & puffy face.

I go over to my friend and mumble “i need cuddles” & curl up with my head on her lap. She strokes my hair and it feels deeply nourishing.

No one makes a fuss. Yet I feel [shout out to all the empaths] the care & love of the others directed towards me.

Within 5 minutes of lying there, receiving that love & physical touch, I’m back in my centre, proud of myself for breaking the pattern & the whole thing doesn’t feel like big deal anymore.

My brain’s just been rewired from negative childhood experiences, I’ve taught myself that it’s safe to be seen like this & that I’ll receive support.

This morning i woke up SO happy & completely free.

It’s always possible to break the cycle. Listen to the thing that scares you, which you know in your heart is right. Overcome the resistance & take it one step at a time.

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