I’m terrible at asking for what I want - especially when it comes to s€x.

As a child, whenever I said “I want…” the reply was “‘I want’ doesn’t get”. By instilling proper British manners, a strong belief was created: if I voice what I want, then I won’t get it.

I thought it was impolite & wrong to ask for what I wanted.

And when it came to s€x - I pretty much believed God would smite me if I voiced a desire.

This isn’t just about me asking for things with a lover. It’s from the tender, early stages of attraction…letting someone know that I desire to be intimate with them.

Over the past few months, I’ve been playing out this dynamic with a man whom I have a profound soul & heart connection.

I realised how dangerous & damaging it is to NOT own & directly express my desires clearly.

When I don’t acknowledge my desires, they hide in the shadows & try to be met through manipulation (or other unhealthy tactics).

Excruciating realisation! I was trying to get my desires met through (what’s known in the Tantra world as the ‘light feminine’s shadow’) over-giving, playing the victim, people pleasing & healing someone while secretly trying to get something in exchange.

Urgh! This is still such a raw wound & hard to share. None of this was happening at a conscious level, which is the whole problem with the shadow - we don’t see it!

I understand why the feminine does this (the centuries of repression & shaming of sexuality - a whole other post).

This morning, with tears pouring down my cheeks, holding his hand in a busy cafe in Ubud, I acknowledge it in myself, owned it & apologised for not voicing my desires & the impact it was having on our connection.

The little girl in me was so angry & hurt that she wasn’t getting what she wants, because she was too scared to ask for it! So she was throwing a tantrum, ready to destroy a rich friendship, rather than saying what she wants & risk sitting in the fiery pain of rejection!

I’m committed to guiding this part of me out of the shadows & loving this immature part which has been taught to suppress most of her desires, in favour of putting others first.

I see how not speaking my desires is limiting what Life is able to offer me.

I’m choosing to believe Life wants me to know & express my desires SO it can meet them.

So, let’s get those desires out of the shadow, find our voices to lovingly, clearly express what we want - so Life can match us with someone whose desires match ours.