HOW TO BREAK THE PATTERN AND RESPECT YOUR ‘NO’ (Part 2)

One night at the tantra retreat, I’m in a “cuddle puddle” with my close friends, about six of us snuggled up together, getting our oxytocin on. I felt so loved and safe with this group of friends.

Someone stroked my hair and their touch felt cold and almost slimy. My whole body contracted ‘NO!’ and I opened my eyes to see who it was.

There’s Jane, touching my hair and I sensed she wanted to snuggle in with us.

Jane (not her real name) was in my daily sharing circle. A couple of days before, she’d had a breakdown during the group and I’d spent some extra time with her after to talk about her problems and give her a hug.

From that moment on, she’d been constantly by my side, barnacled to me during rituals, exercises, in breaks!

With despair I watched the unhealthy bond being formed. She was looking for someone to care-take and rescue her. To listen to her problems and give her guidance. I was being pulled into my old role of Saviour To The Suffering, but what I really wanted was to be "off duty", free from my therapist role to have fun with friends who didn't need any hand holding.

I knew it was going to be tough to step out of this default helper role and set a boundary with Jane (at retreats where I was working, I'd earned myself the name Saint Harmony).

I’ve always felt safer in groups in a caretaker role. I believed I had to EARN being loved and belonging in a group by being in constant support to others. This pattern has its roots in early childhood where I was the big sister responsible for my younger brothers' well-being.

What am I going to do? Put Jane's desire to join our group, ahead of what my body is telling me is a clear ‘no’?

I’d compromised what I wanted over and over for decades, because I’d always been afraid of hurting others. I summoned some courage and decided to experiment for the first time with what felt like an impossible ‘no’. I was scared I’d turned into a mean-girl bully (a huge fear after being bullied for so many years at school).

I took a deep breath and with love in my eyes, told Jane, that my body doesn’t want to be touched by her. I stopped myself from justifying my choice, or further fawning by lying and saying it wasn’t anything personal. I saw disappointment on her face. She nodded and withdrew her hand.

Honestly, I felt like sh¡t. Breaking a pattern that’s been in my psyche for almost 40 years was terrifying. Part of me expected to be kicked out of the retreat the next morning for being such a b¡tch.

Yet, another part of me celebrated. I did it! I stood up for my truth and put my needs and desires first! I snuggled back into the loving arms of my friends and gave love to the part of me heavy with guilt.

The next day I ask Jane if she’s open to sharing the impact of me asking her not to touch me.

She blinks a little, trying to recall. She tells me earnestly it wasn’t a big deal, she just snuggled with someone else. I tell her gratefully it was very important for me to honor my ‘no’ and thank her for receiving it so well. She smiles and shrugs “no big deal”.

For the rest of the retreat, she didn't attach herself to me anymore, we chatted easily a few more times and it felt peaceful between us.

I realised I’d been unfair to her by not owning my boundary and telling her I didn’t want to hang out with her. It felt too rude and cruel to do. But actually, by not honouring my truth I was being unfair to her, and to me.

Since the retreat, I've been experimenting constantly with speaking my YES and NO in friendships, I now have the BEST crew of friends of my life. We are deeply honest with each other (every part of me and them is welcome and accepted) the connections are reciprocal, meaning we give and receive the same amount of support. We support each other in our work, relationships and soul missions.

And most importantly we laugh, play and celebrate life together! (This was one of my main intentions for the retreat.)

We love and support each others’ boundaries.

For almost all of us, our boundaries can use some fine tuning! If you’re curious to explore your boundaries more, ask yourself:

Which person do I feel resentment toward?

What boundary could I put to feel more relaxed (and safe) around them?

Writing this down may help you get clearer and be able to respect yourself and your friend.