The Unexpected Surprise of My Tantra Retreat (Part 1)
Midway through packing my bags to fly to the other side of the world, I had an ego-crushing realisation: I’m going to Bali for a Tantra immersive (sacred s€xuality) and will be turning 40 later this year. I am a walking “Eat Pray Love” cliche.
Goddaaaaamn! Not so unique after all!
I arrived at the lush, tropical retreat centre expecting to learn loads of ancient rituals, transcendent meditations to reach ecstatic states of union with God and explore parts of myself which had been shamed and shut off after a strict Christian upbringing.
All of that was there. But the truly life changing thing I learned…
…boundaries.
A boundary is “a personal clear limit for how people behave toward us.” (Dr. Nicole Lepera)
I actually had fairly decent boundaries, which made this extra surprising. I was good at saying ‘no’ without feeling guilty. I’d gotten over my “people pleasing” past. I was able to tell what I needed or wanted.
At least in some areas of my life.
Exercises we did shone a light on all the areas where my boundaries SUCKED. The areas of my life where I struggled to speak up for what I believe in.
We learned about the ‘fawn’ response to trauma, which is the lesser known cousin of ‘fight or flight’, where we disconnect from our own emotions, sensations and needs in order to take care of someone else.
I realised I would end up in friendships where I gave much more than I received!
I completely ignored my needs and didn’t put a boundary if someone I knew was having a hard time. This just seemed normal! It was almost impossible for me not to support the friend. Even if I didn't have the inner resources and the interactions would leave me feeling completely drained. I would hide from certain friends, dreading their next drama I’d be dragged along in as their support buddy.
Sound familiar?
Retreat environments become perfect reflections of our lives outside. A tantra retreat especially so!
Check out Part 2 (in the next blog) if you want to hear the uncomfortable lesson of CRINGE which was waiting to kick my ass and help me upgrade my boundary game!
